Google PlusFacebookTwitter

Exuberant, The Tour Guide

By on Jul 7, 2015 in Blog | 0 comments

It was my first visit to this new museum, and I liked what I saw from the start, actual little rooms set up just like they would have been in eras long ago. I could actually walk into them and through them. I didn’t have to peak through glass and read a bunch of signs. I could try to imagine what it might have been like to live back then and survive on the minimal implements and entertainment these settings provided. “Feel free to touch anything you’d like, unless there’s a sign that says do not touch,” came an accented voice from someone behind me I hadn’t even realized was there. I did not yet know that this would be my quirky but exuberant tour guide, popping up on me throughout my visit over and over again. “Oh, ok. Thank you,” I said as I looked back at him quickly and then back to the artifacts. I didn’t have much time to spare on this last-minute field trip I decided to afford...

Becoming Whole … From Half (Part 1)

By on Feb 22, 2014 in Blog | 0 comments

“Make that noise again,” I quietly beseeched my sister while I lay in bed, eyes closed, just beginning to wake one morning long, long ago. “What noise?” she asked from the floor beside our bed. “The noise you were making yesterday,” I answered, expecting her to know exactly which memory I was trying to recreate from the day before just because I was thinking it. She adjusted her play and asked, “Like this?” “No, that’s too loud. It was softer,” I answered, growing slightly annoyed that her inability to recreate what I was remembering was beginning to wake me from the comfy fog I didn’t want to exit. She adjusted again and asked again, “Like this?” “No, that’s not it either. Just do what you were doing yesterday.” “I don’t remember what I was doing yesterday.”...

Questions About Abortion?

By on Jan 31, 2014 in Resources | 0 comments

After reading some or all of my blog, do you have any questions that I haven’t addressed? As someone who has experienced the trauma of abortion, hidden the shame for two decades, gone through healing for myself, learned how to talk to my children about it, and currently help lead others through healing, I can provide a wide range of help from many different perspectives. You can comment as “anonymous,” and I will respect your privacy by not responding to anyone by name. I may be able to reply quickly in the comments, or I might address some questions in future blog posts. If you or someone you know has had an abortion at some point in the past, and you want to help them recover, please remember this. There is a spectrum of readiness. Some people will be ready as soon as they learn of the existence of such help, and others will be shocked that anyone is talking about...

#22 – Life & Love for ALL

By on Jan 22, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I was privileged to witness people of all ages and generations, all races, all religions as well as non-religious, from all over the country and even the world, march for a cause today that is not political or religious, but a cause for humanity, the cause of life. I don’t have much time to write before I board the bus to head back home, so for now I will let pictures speak for themselves. Please be encouraged that life is worth fighting for, and this is NOT a losing battle, NOT an impossible cause to overcome. In fact more and more people are joining the ranks every year, especially the younger generations, and I am so encouraged by them! Thank you all for reading and following my series, my story. I pray that it has been helpful for you to understand this issue and cause from many different perspectives, and that it may give you courage to DO something toward this fight, and DO...

#21 – To DO

By on Jan 21, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I’ve been praying for God to do some amazing things over the past few decades since He captured my heart, and it’s been awesome to watch Him exceed my expectations. Transforming me from a silent and fearful prisoner of war of sorts into a bold and outspoken blog warrior sharing my abortion story potentially with the world has been one of those moments. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 3:20-21, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” “To do” is such a simple phrase. It’s so general and by itself doesn’t lead me to much thought-provoking excitement. But the fuller meaning of this phrase in the Greek Lexicon is so much more exciting. It means to produce,...

#20 – Some Dreams Already Come True

By on Jan 20, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

On this 20th day of remembering and honoring my son, I found myself standing next to a 20-year old young man at a peaceful prayer vigil this morning in front of an abortion clinic in Washington DC, on this Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The symbolism of all of this has so many layers, but I will focus on the young man, whose name is Sean. I captured Sean’s prayerful shadow along with his rosary as we began our journey here this week leading us up to the March for Life on Wednesday. I am not Catholic, but I’m traveling with a mostly Catholic group. We agree and believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity of life, and so I was honored to be amongst them today and to witness their beautiful prayers. One such prayer cut to my heart and brought me to tears because of my abortion choice 22 years ago. The prayer is titled, “The Litany for the Unborn.” It starts with a leader...

#19 – A Countenance of Joy & Love

By on Jan 19, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

As I prepare to head out on this 40th Sanctity of Human Life Sunday to share my abortion story at a new church, I can’t help but revisit a familiar conflict. Since I’ve begun to share my story publicly, I have questioned my own countenance of JOY as I relate the knowledge of my son’s home in heaven and the certainty of someday meeting him. My concern has been to convey proper and right emotions, fitting my actions and beliefs. It’s such a humble and delicate place of conflicting emotions to impart. I have been reconciled to God because of His amazing grace, for which I will always remain humbly grateful. The joy that I cannot hide comes from this reconciliation and also from the knowledge that my baby still lives, only in heaven. How do I know that my baby and all the other millions of babies are in heaven? King David in the Bible shares with us the loss of a...

#18 – Ducks in a Row

By on Jan 18, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

This may make absolutely no sense, but in my mind I felt that I needed to create the perfect life scenario, you know, get my ducks all in a row, before I could purposely get pregnant this time and have my first child. I felt that by doing this I could validate the loss and sacrifice of my first child, my son. It was as if I could make my abortion decision ok by my future actions. I know now that this is impossible. But it took a message from God to get through to my brain that my logic was not adding up. The criteria I set in place to achieve in order for me to give myself permission to get pregnant again were these five things, be married, have a house, have a good job, have health insurance, and be out of debt. I was getting so close to fulfilling this list, but I was one short still, my husband and I were not out of debt. Over the years of attaining the majority of these goals, I...

#17 – Cancer Sucks & Abortion Sucks Too

By on Jan 17, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

There’s no question, cancer sucks! But what many don’t realize is that abortion sucks too. I’ve gone through both, and speaking only for myself here, abortion was harder for me to recover from and live with than cancer was. I was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 1/2 years ago at the age of 38. The word cancer was so scary to me and my husband, but we instantly made phone calls and posts on our Facebook pages asking for prayers and support. We were instantly flooded with a ton of support, love and encouragement, from my family and friends, co-workers, church and support circle for which I am so incredibly thankful! And the support kept coming all the way through my surgery, chemo and beyond. More than two years later people are still asking me how I’m doing. Sometimes I forget that I’m a cancer survivor and that this very simple question has a dual meaning for...

#16 – Abortion Grief

By on Jan 16, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

Abortion grief is both similar and different for many people. For some, the grief is immediate, while for others it takes years before the full weight of the matter is felt and/or recognized. Sometimes there is a mysterious grief or depression that is not even linked back to the abortion even when seeing a counselor or therapist. My grief was both immediate and insidious. Since I didn’t want the abortion to begin with, I had to sort of turn off my brain in order to carry myself through the motions of that day. At the same time I turned off my emotions related to that day as well. But my brain wouldn’t remain switched off over time. And over time, the sorrow I had denied began to surface and bouts of depression began to creep in. Some people have anniversary grief on or around the due date that their baby would have been born. My anniversary grief was different. It revolved...

#15 – Pruning: Painful but Productive

By on Jan 15, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I pruned my trees this past fall, and surprisingly, I actually enjoyed this activity. I love being outside and doing something physical after working on the computer all day. My kids helped, but they were less enthusiastic about it. When I told them that I was enjoying the chore they asked me why, and that got me thinking. I began pruning the trees because they were growing too low and getting in the way of the lawn mower. But after finishing a few of the trees I began to see how much better that area of the yard was looking. Instead of a big mass of trees growing into each other, blocking out the sunlight and fighting over the limited nourishment from the ground, they now became distinguishable from each other, and the light coming through made everything look brighter and better. I think watching this transformation take place was part of the enjoyment of the chore, and then the...

#14 – Give Me a Sign, Or Not

By on Jan 14, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

Have you ever prayed for a sign to help you make a decision? I have. I was not a Christian at the time of my abortion. I believed in God, and I in fact prayed to Him constantly, but I did not know who Jesus was. Well, I did know the baby Jesus who lay in the manger under our Christmas tree every year, but I didn’t know the man He grew into and the ultimate act He carried out for us on the cross. I did not know the Bible either, so I did not have a strong foundation to my faith. Sadly when I asked God if He was ok with me having an abortion, I did not go to the Bible for guidance. Instead, I prayed for a sign. Now I know that God can give us signs, and Jesus provided signs and miracles when He was here on Earth. But what I didn’t know then was that our enemy is an imitator of God and can provide us with signs too. As I’ve shared on Day 5, I had not gone to my dad for advice....

#13 – A Jury of My Peers

By on Jan 13, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I’m off to jury duty this morning, my first time ever! I’ve been wanting to get summoned for so long, I began to wonder if my name had gotten lost somehow. As I prepare to experience this civic duty, which I understand may result in my sitting and waiting and being dismissed for a multitude of reasons, I am glad to finally experience it anyway. And it’s getting me thinking too, about the jury of my peers, you the readers. As Sanctity of Human Life Sunday on January 22 approaches, I’m beginning to ponder the purpose of this day. President Ronald Reagan proclaimed this day back in January of 1984 as a day to reflect. Here are a few words from his proclamation, We have been given the precious gift of human life, made more precious still by our births in or pilgrimages to a land of freedom. It is fitting, then, on the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in Roe...

#12 – “You did abortion? WHY?”

By on Jan 12, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 4 comments

I knew I would be telling my son about my abortion at a younger age than I had told my girls when they were twelve and eleven. He was only eight, but ever since I began working at a crisis pregnancy center and explaining to him what abortion is and about my job of counseling people who were considering it or had already done it, he had some beyond-his-years understanding of it and questions about it. I have also come a long way since my daughter first asked me if she was the first baby in my belly, and I had instinctively lied to her. By the time my son was old enough to learn that he had a brother and a sister in heaven I realized that I could tell him the truth at all times, but that I could give it to him in parts, as he was ready for them. So he’s known about my babies in heaven for a long time, and he’s known about abortion for several years now. He just didn’t know the...

#11 – “Would I Still Be Here?”

By on Jan 11, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

Telling my middle child about my abortion brought some emotions I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t planning on this coming up so soon, but when I was asked to share my story before our church congregation on Sanctity of Human Life Sunday a few years ago I knew that I couldn’t agree until my daughter knew my story. I certainly didn’t want her to learn of it from anyone but me. With only a week to prepare and my family’s busy schedule, I wasn’t able to bring her out to the retreat site like I had done with her sister. So I called her into my bedroom. Her face paled, and I could tell that she thought she was in trouble. “Don’t worry honey,” I comforted her, “You’re not in trouble. This is about me.” With great relief, she plopped onto my bed, propped herself on her elbows and stared at me with huge, innocently...

#10 – “I Was First, Right?”

By on Jan 10, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 1 comment

My oldest daughter had been asking me since she was 2 ½ years old, ever since her little sister was born, if she was the first baby in my belly. Actually, she didn’t ask it in true question form, it was more of a confirmation request, like, “I was the first baby in your belly, right Mom?” I could tell that she took pride in this false rank. When she first asked me this question all those years ago I was dumbstruck. I reacted instinctively and quickly lied, “Yes, honey. You were the first baby in my belly.” And then I quickly tried to change the subject. I didn’t know what else to say at the time. Then when my son was born, she began asking the question again. And again, I hadn’t yet resolved a way to tell her the truth without crushing her pride, so I continued to lie to her. Telling my children about my abortion was definitely one of the more...

#9 – Where is Your Fear Gauge?

By on Jan 9, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I’ve been told that I’m brave for sharing my abortion story. I never used to be this way. I used to be an expert at ambivalence, guarding my emotions whenever the topic of abortion came up so that no one would suspect that I had any feelings toward the topic whatsoever, let alone to give any hint that I had had an abortion myself. I even coached my husband once on keeping his feelings on abortion to himself, explaining to him that having any vocal viewpoint on abortion, whether good or bad, would lead people to conclude that he had experienced an abortion in the past, and that of course, I would then be found out. I understand now that this logic was irrational, but my paranoia led me to live a very unhealthy fearful existence. Fear is in itself the very thing that snared me, and enabled me to go through with an abortion in the first place when I didn’t even want to. I was afraid of...

#8 – How Many Breaths?

By on Jan 8, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 2 comments

I’m not a poet. But I wrote this very rough poem about my dad’s last night here on Earth, which was exactly one year ago tonight. To understand it fully, reading my blog on Day 5 about my time of confession and reunion with my dad would be beneficial. I wrote this just a few weeks after he died, and so it’s as rough as my emotions were at the time. How many breaths did you take Daddy, That last night? It didn’t occur to me to count them, I just stood by your side. As I look back on that night, Wondering how many breaths you took, I wonder a lot of how many’s. How many miles did you drive in your big rig, Down that long lonely highway? How many times did you think of me While you were away? How many regrets crossed your mind As you drove on alone? How many cigarettes did you smoke? How many times did you say, “This is the last one”? How many tears did you wipe from my...

#7 – What’s in a Middle Name? – David

By on Jan 7, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I didn’t give my son a middle name until three years after I named him Jeremiah. I was considering the name David after one of my brothers, and I knew the Bible would help me decide for sure. I had no idea just how strikingly fitting it would be, but when I looked into the story of King David of the Bible, I knew for certain that it was definitely the right name. At the time of my pregnancy, I was living in Wisconsin and my now husband/then fiancé was in South Carolina in the Navy. I had just returned from visiting him, where unfortunately our plan to save sex for marriage had disintegrated once we became engaged. We talked over the phone about our plans for the pregnancy and moving up the wedding date, but my mind changed back and forth daily as I struggled with trust and co-dependency issues with my family. In the end, I chose not to trust the man who I thought I had just fully...

#6 – The Dignity of a Name – Jeremiah

By on Jan 6, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I named my son Jeremiah. Giving our aborted children names also gives them dignity and acknowledges their existence and time here on Earth, even as limited as that time may have been. The Jeremiah of the Bible was a prophet speaking warnings to God’s people. Although I took my son’s ability to speak for himself, I am endeavoring to speak on his behalf now. The verses of the book of Jeremiah are incredibly challenging but reassuring and hopeful at the same time. This topic of abortion that I’m not only talking about but sharing through my own deeply personal experiences with the world is not something I do lightly or flippantly. I know full well what a highly debated issue this is. Although no one has commented in the negative as of yet, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who feel strongly about my writings in several directions. But I stand on...

#5 – Opening Up to Daddy

By on Jan 5, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 3 comments

It took me 20 years to work up the courage, but I finally did it. And I am so, SO thankful that I did. I did it in stages to make it easier, and each step gave me more courage to keep going. First, I mailed my dad a package with two compartments. The first contained just a letter. The second, which I sealed separately, contained my written story of confession. My letter explained that I planned to fly down to visit with him to talk about something, that that something was written out inside the second envelope, and if he wanted to read it first he could, or if he wanted to wait and hear it directly from me in person first, he could choose not to read it as well. After I got the package mailed, I waited for his phone call. I was careful to keep my phone on me at all times, fully charged. When he called I had just parked at a restaurant where I was about to step out of my car to attend a...

#4 – The Hold and Effects of a Secret

By on Jan 4, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 2 comments

A combination between a maze and a chess game all in my head, that’s what I picture. Before anyone knew my secret about the abortion I had when I was young, I was held captive by a strategic secret-keeping mind maze. Let me try to explain. In the midst of a group conversation with friends, before I felt comfortable to comment or respond to anyone I would maneuver through my response, then the other person’s anticipated possible response to me, then the additional possible question(s) that would raise, then my additional response(s), and on and on, until I was confident that none of this conversation would lead anywhere close to my secret pregnancy or abortion. And guess what? By the time I did all of this mental jockeying, the conversation that I was tediously analyzing was already long past, and the group was on to another topic. So, I had to refocus on the group and then...

#3 – From Conflicting Beliefs to a Steadfast Faith

By on Jan 3, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I know hind sight is twenty-twenty, but looking back I see how ill prepared the younger me was for such a challenging grown-up situation as I put myself in. My family survived day by day, one tragedy and trauma after another, so having regular open family discussions and planning ahead for my future was not part of our routine. In fact, we didn’t even have routines. So I thought I was being incredibly pro-active and responsible, even courageous as a very new and young adult in having a conversation with my fiance before we chose to act like adults and succumb to our temptations. We talked about how the other felt about pregnancy and abortion, and both of us shared that we didn’t believe in abortion, that if we happened to get pregnant, we would move up our wedding date and start our family early. Unfortunately, we didn’t share any of this conversation with either of...

#2 – A Place of Safety

By on Jan 2, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 2 comments

I had heard of the crisis pregnancy center before, and I wanted to check it out, but I was afraid. I saw the signs for the post-abortion Bible study every day as I worked in my church, and I thought about calling each time I re-read the information. But my fears kept me away. I dreaded taking the chance of being found out by my peers, none of whom knew my secret. I also thought that there was some type of time frame for healing which had long expired, and that risking my reputation would have been for nothing anyway. So I talked myself out of taking the risk every day. God knew I needed a little help. And He sent that help through the invitation of a friend. The little fundraising walk that she invited me to many years ago was my first safe introduction to the oasis of the crisis pregnancy center I was so thirty to visit, but had self-outcast myself from and never dared to venture...

#1 – To The Depths

By on Jan 1, 2014 in 22 Days Series, Blog, Resources | 2 comments

On this first day of this new year, I would like to take you to the depths of a story. It’s a story that begins with a number, 22. 22 is the age my son would be this year if I had chosen to give him life. January 22 is the day in 1984 that my mom died in a house fire. January 22 is the day in 1973 that the Roe v. Wade decision was handed down from our country’s Supreme Court making abortion legal in all 50 states, overruling the states’ individual laws. I do not and have not, for as long as I can remember, ever believed in abortion, but I had one anyway. How could this be? For the next 22 days, one day for each of the 22 years that my son would have lived this year, I will share with you parts of my story, my journey leading to this decision, and my journey recovering from this decision. May we get to the depths of the how’s and why’s of my story, which in this...

Fruitful Curiosity

By on Nov 30, 2013 in Blog | 2 comments

My Dad decided to experiment with his homegrown apples one year. He let them sit out on the counter under the window for several weeks until they shriveled up, dry, wrinkled and hollow. “Why’d you do that Daddy?” I asked him during a visit. “I wanted to see what would happen,” was his simple answer. He was an avid gardener and liked to study his produce. While he studied the physical, I would one day consider the spiritual impact of this experiment.   I wasn’t a Christian yet at the time of this visit, but years later after God lassoed and secured my heart and I had begun to read the Bible, I was intrigued when I came upon the Fruit of the Spirit passage in Galatians 5:22-23But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.. I was eager to grow in this fruit of love, joy,...

Please, NO Shriveled Fruit

By on Nov 29, 2013 in Inspirations | 0 comments

My dad decided to experiment with his homegrown apples one year. He let them sit out on the counter under the window for several weeks until they shriveled up, dry, wrinkled and hollow. “Why’d you do that Daddy?” I asked him during a visit. “I wanted to see what would happen,” was his simple answer. He was an avid gardener and liked to study his produce. While he studied the physical, I would one day consider the spiritual impact of this experiment.   I wasn’t a Christian yet at the time of this visit, but years later after God lassoed and secured my heart and I had begun to read the Bible, I was intrigued when I came upon the Fruit of the Spirit passage in Galatians 5:22-23But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.. I was eager to grow in this fruit of love, joy,...

Love

By on Nov 29, 2013 in Inspirations | 0 comments

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there...

Whatever

By on Nov 29, 2013 in Inspirations | 0 comments

Philippians 4:8-9 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (I should blog on this one soon to explain this image, huh?) Share...

God’s Closet

By on Nov 29, 2013 in Inspirations | 0 comments

Colossians 3:12-15 12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Share...