This may make absolutely no sense, but in my mind I felt that I needed to create the perfect life scenario, you know, get my ducks all in a row, before I could purposely get pregnant this time and have my first child. I felt that by doing this I could validate the loss and sacrifice of my first child, my son. It was as if I could make my abortion decision ok by my future actions. I know now that this is impossible. But it took a message from God to get through to my brain that my logic was not adding up.
The criteria I set in place to achieve in order for me to give myself permission to get pregnant again were these five things,
- be married,
- have a house,
- have a good job,
- have health insurance, and
- be out of debt.
I was getting so close to fulfilling this list, but I was one short still, my husband and I were not out of debt.
Over the years of attaining the majority of these goals, I also did some things I hadn’t planned. I started going to church, on purpose. I hated church, but my gut was telling me that I needed to go. So in order to quiet my gut, I listened to it and went, and then I actually started to like it! I felt like God was talking to me quite often through the pastor’s messages, especially on one particular Sunday.
My pastor apologetically went off on a rabbit trail and said, “I’m not sure who in this room needs to hear this, but if you’re waiting to have a baby until you get out of debt, stop waiting. You may never be out of debt.” Well, that hit me square in the forehead. I went straight home and told my husband that it was time to get pregnant, and that I wanted to get straight to work. He happily agreed!
Thanks to God’s no nonsense message to me that day and His softening work on my heart to finally let go of my ridiculous “fix it yourself” plan, I now have my beautiful 15 year old daughter, who thought she was the first baby in my belly (See Day 10). And no, I’m not out of debt yet either. If I had stubbornly continued with my plan, I still wouldn’t have any children right now.
I’ve learned first-hand that God does not require you to straighten up and get right before you approach Him. I pray for anyone out there who is waiting to fix issues by your own behavior because of a past abortion, or any regretful choices, that you will take a step of faith and seek God’s forgiveness and grace, and He will help you to get on with living your life and growing while you live it.
It’s not an easy road, but neither is our own path that we make up either. I am so thankful for the help and support of my pastors, churches and healing ministries for helping me to be active in my faith as I began to follow God’s path, open up and stop hiding. And thank YOU for taking time to read my story.