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#9 – Where is Your Fear Gauge?

By on Jan 9, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I’ve been told that I’m brave for sharing my abortion story. I never used to be this way. I used to be an expert at ambivalence, guarding my emotions whenever the topic of abortion came up so that no one would suspect that I had any feelings toward the topic whatsoever, let alone to give any hint that I had had an abortion myself. I even coached my husband once on keeping his feelings on abortion to himself, explaining to him that having any vocal viewpoint on abortion, whether good or bad, would lead people to conclude that he had experienced an abortion in the past, and that of course, I would then be found out. I understand now that this logic was irrational, but my paranoia led me to live a very unhealthy fearful existence. Fear is in itself the very thing that snared me, and enabled me to go through with an abortion in the first place when I didn’t even want to. I was afraid of...

#8 – How Many Breaths?

By on Jan 8, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 2 comments

I’m not a poet. But I wrote this very rough poem about my dad’s last night here on Earth, which was exactly one year ago tonight. To understand it fully, reading my blog on Day 5 about my time of confession and reunion with my dad would be beneficial. I wrote this just a few weeks after he died, and so it’s as rough as my emotions were at the time. How many breaths did you take Daddy, That last night? It didn’t occur to me to count them, I just stood by your side. As I look back on that night, Wondering how many breaths you took, I wonder a lot of how many’s. How many miles did you drive in your big rig, Down that long lonely highway? How many times did you think of me While you were away? How many regrets crossed your mind As you drove on alone? How many cigarettes did you smoke? How many times did you say, “This is the last one”? How many tears did you wipe from my...

#7 – What’s in a Middle Name? – David

By on Jan 7, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I didn’t give my son a middle name until three years after I named him Jeremiah. I was considering the name David after one of my brothers, and I knew the Bible would help me decide for sure. I had no idea just how strikingly fitting it would be, but when I looked into the story of King David of the Bible, I knew for certain that it was definitely the right name. At the time of my pregnancy, I was living in Wisconsin and my now husband/then fiancé was in South Carolina in the Navy. I had just returned from visiting him, where unfortunately our plan to save sex for marriage had disintegrated once we became engaged. We talked over the phone about our plans for the pregnancy and moving up the wedding date, but my mind changed back and forth daily as I struggled with trust and co-dependency issues with my family. In the end, I chose not to trust the man who I thought I had just fully...

#6 – The Dignity of a Name – Jeremiah

By on Jan 6, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I named my son Jeremiah. Giving our aborted children names also gives them dignity and acknowledges their existence and time here on Earth, even as limited as that time may have been. The Jeremiah of the Bible was a prophet speaking warnings to God’s people. Although I took my son’s ability to speak for himself, I am endeavoring to speak on his behalf now. The verses of the book of Jeremiah are incredibly challenging but reassuring and hopeful at the same time. This topic of abortion that I’m not only talking about but sharing through my own deeply personal experiences with the world is not something I do lightly or flippantly. I know full well what a highly debated issue this is. Although no one has commented in the negative as of yet, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who feel strongly about my writings in several directions. But I stand on...

#5 – Opening Up to Daddy

By on Jan 5, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 3 comments

It took me 20 years to work up the courage, but I finally did it. And I am so, SO thankful that I did. I did it in stages to make it easier, and each step gave me more courage to keep going. First, I mailed my dad a package with two compartments. The first contained just a letter. The second, which I sealed separately, contained my written story of confession. My letter explained that I planned to fly down to visit with him to talk about something, that that something was written out inside the second envelope, and if he wanted to read it first he could, or if he wanted to wait and hear it directly from me in person first, he could choose not to read it as well. After I got the package mailed, I waited for his phone call. I was careful to keep my phone on me at all times, fully charged. When he called I had just parked at a restaurant where I was about to step out of my car to attend a...

#4 – The Hold and Effects of a Secret

By on Jan 4, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 2 comments

A combination between a maze and a chess game all in my head, that’s what I picture. Before anyone knew my secret about the abortion I had when I was young, I was held captive by a strategic secret-keeping mind maze. Let me try to explain. In the midst of a group conversation with friends, before I felt comfortable to comment or respond to anyone I would maneuver through my response, then the other person’s anticipated possible response to me, then the additional possible question(s) that would raise, then my additional response(s), and on and on, until I was confident that none of this conversation would lead anywhere close to my secret pregnancy or abortion. And guess what? By the time I did all of this mental jockeying, the conversation that I was tediously analyzing was already long past, and the group was on to another topic. So, I had to refocus on the group and then...

#3 – From Conflicting Beliefs to a Steadfast Faith

By on Jan 3, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 0 comments

I know hind sight is twenty-twenty, but looking back I see how ill prepared the younger me was for such a challenging grown-up situation as I put myself in. My family survived day by day, one tragedy and trauma after another, so having regular open family discussions and planning ahead for my future was not part of our routine. In fact, we didn’t even have routines. So I thought I was being incredibly pro-active and responsible, even courageous as a very new and young adult in having a conversation with my fiance before we chose to act like adults and succumb to our temptations. We talked about how the other felt about pregnancy and abortion, and both of us shared that we didn’t believe in abortion, that if we happened to get pregnant, we would move up our wedding date and start our family early. Unfortunately, we didn’t share any of this conversation with either of...

#2 – A Place of Safety

By on Jan 2, 2014 in Blog, Resources | 2 comments

I had heard of the crisis pregnancy center before, and I wanted to check it out, but I was afraid. I saw the signs for the post-abortion Bible study every day as I worked in my church, and I thought about calling each time I re-read the information. But my fears kept me away. I dreaded taking the chance of being found out by my peers, none of whom knew my secret. I also thought that there was some type of time frame for healing which had long expired, and that risking my reputation would have been for nothing anyway. So I talked myself out of taking the risk every day. God knew I needed a little help. And He sent that help through the invitation of a friend. The little fundraising walk that she invited me to many years ago was my first safe introduction to the oasis of the crisis pregnancy center I was so thirty to visit, but had self-outcast myself from and never dared to venture...